


Maybe This Time

by Rhaized



Series: The Madonna and Baby [10]
Category: His Dark Materials (TV), His Dark Materials - Philip Pullman, The Golden Compass (2007)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Gen, Lyra has more time to think about all it is that she's leaving behind, Lyra has some lowkey anxiety, Lyra keeps looking for Roger, Mrs. Coulter comes looking for her, She also gets to spend more time with Mrs. Coulter at Jordan, She misses the airship, They get to share some soft moments together
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-16
Updated: 2021-01-16
Packaged: 2021-03-14 12:35:50
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,432
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28795494
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rhaized/pseuds/Rhaized
Summary: Lyra struggles deciding whether or not to leave Jordan College with Mrs. Coulter, as her friendship with Roger is the one thing she promised never to betray.
Relationships: Lyra Belacqua & Marisa Coulter, Lyra Belacqua & Roger Parslow
Series: The Madonna and Baby [10]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1998481
Kudos: 29





	Maybe This Time

**Author's Note:**

> "If the Gobblers have him…she's our best chance of getting him back. Isn't she?" — His Dark Materials, 1x01, "Lyra's Jordan"

Lyra stared directly ahead of her as she stormed around Jordan College to continue her search for Roger. 

She'd looked for him earlier in the day as soon as she woke up, but she though that she needed to do more. It didn't feel like she had tried hard enough. She was in such a hurry to meet Mrs. Coulter that it all felt so  _ rushed  _ earlier. He could be anywhere, really, as the College was so  _ big  _ and the grounds were quite  _ expansive.  _ Maybe he was out taking some rubbage to the bins, or maybe he'd been sent to deliver something across campus. Just because the kitchen staff hadn't  _ seen  _ him didn't mean he wasn't  _ there.  _ At least that's what Lyra wanted to think, what she  _ needed  _ to think. She took the long way around the College, leaving no crevice left unchecked in her pursuit of her friend. 

She just couldn't believe that he was actually gone. It was  _ impossible.  _ She'd just seen him last night, after all! And it was still very early in the morning, although usually he was up and working by now. Sunlight streamed through the windows as Lyra climbed up the stone staircase back over to her room, Pan trotting ahead of her as a hound dog. His ears were pricked as he kept an eye out. They were determined to find him. They  _ had _ to find him. 

"Lyra, what about the airship?" Pan pressed as they climbed up onto the roof for the second time that morning. As they took a look out at the grounds, they saw the mighty zeppelin docked over on the grass, its great propellers whirling and humming so loudly that they heard it all the way up where they were high in the sky. Some crew members were running around, carrying luggage to store in the cargo hold or else talking to the flight staff. She didn't see any guests boarding, however, and with a start, Lyra realized how late it was already. 

"Mrs. Coulter said the ship was leaving at 8 o'clock sharp," Lyra frowned, shifting to sit down on the shingles and kick her feet out. Pan settled next to her as a wild cat. The tip of his tail twitched every few moments. "I bet it'll be off already before we could get down." 

"Do you want to try and make it?" he asked her softly. Lyra's daemon knew very well how conflicted Lyra felt about the entire ordeal. Roger, her very best friend in the entire world, was missing. It could have been the Gobblers, as Lyra feared and Mrs. Coulter seemed to entertain. But they didn't  _ know  _ that, did they? Lyra could just be acting paranoid and ridiculous. What if he were here all along, and she left without saying goodbye? Oh, how  _ could  _ she do such a thing! But, thinking back to Mrs. Coulter, what if she was losing her big opportunity to leave and go explore the North? That would certainly be  _ worse,  _ wouldn't it? Or would it  _ not?  _

"I don't know what to do, Pan," she admitted, turning to look at him and place her hand on his fur. He came closer to stand on her knee, his back straight and his eyes rounded with sympathy. "No matter what I do it's gonna hurt somebody." 

That was the challenge Lyra faced and felt so deeply at this moment. It was such a hard thing, to be caught in the middle of something like this. It paralyzed Lyra, almost, as each option weighed down excruciatingly tight in her chest. Her belly felt queasy as she considered both decisions and contemplated going through with them. As soon as she committed to the idea of one, the uncertainty about the other broke through, muddying up her thoughts. Neither felt exactly right, as they each sacrificed something she held dear. She felt trapped between them, with each one tugging at both sides of her body, willing her closer as she stretched further and further apart.

Who did she owe more loyalty to in this situation? Which would be best for Roger if he indeed  _ were  _ gone? How was Lyra supposed to know? 

She'd been deliberating for too long to even make a decision for herself. She saw the ladder of the airship start to pull up, so she knew it'd be taking off without her just as Mrs. Coulter had warned. With a great sigh, Lyra stood up and headed back toward her bedroom window, Pan soaring ahead of her as a young raven. 

"Looks like we missed our chance," she mumbled to him as she climbed back inside, stepping on the wooden desk and then closing the window shut behind her. 

"Maybe it wasn't meant to be," Pan offered, changing into a fox as he sat down on the bed and watched her scramble down. 

"Maybe," she mused, but it all still felt so sad and so  _ wrong.  _ Nothing about this day turned out the way she'd hoped it would. She didn't get to go off on her fancy journey to London and then the North with Mrs. Coulter. She couldn't find Roger, even as she spent  _ hours  _ looking for him. And the Master had given her the most curious instrument and told her all sorts of strange things that she couldn't even begin to understand. 

Something was happening. Lyra could  _ feel _ it. She didn't know what it was or what it meant, but she knew it as well as she knew Pan and all of his thoughts and feelings. In that way it was a felt sensation, something declarative to be known. And Lyra  _ would  _ figure it out, along with where Roger had disappeared to. 

Being that it was just past eight o'clock Lyra hurried back down to the Great Hall where they should still be serving breakfast. Even though she'd had a quick bite to eat before leaving her room this morning, she wondered if she could steal an extra scrap of bacon, as well as maybe press some of the servants and even the Scholars about where Roger would be. As she hopped over the last step and landed neatly on the tile of the ground floor, however, the faint clicking of heels greeted her along with a light, musical voice. 

"Lyra?" 

She looked over to see Mrs. Coulter standing there, her beautiful face illuminated by the morning sun still pouring through the stained glass windows. Lyra simply stared, as she hadn't expected to see Mrs. Coulter here (or ever again, really). There had been something final about the way Mrs. Coulter had last left her, and warned her about doing what was best for Roger. Pan was confused, too, as he tilted his little fox head toward the golden monkey both curiously and suspiciously. 

"Oh, hello, Mrs. Coulter," Lyra said after several more beats, remembering herself. She remained rooted to the spot as Mrs. Coulter came closer to her, smiling so very wide and happy as if she wasn't mad at all. 

_ Maybe she's not upset with us?  _ Lyra wondered, eyes glued to the woman's approaching form. Pan didn't know and merely shrugged. Lyra was again taken with how  _ gracefully  _ Mrs. Coulter moved over to her, one foot set carefully in front of the other at a quick, easy pace. It was lithe and weightless and feminine and unlike anything Lyra had ever seen before. It was intoxicating, and something Lyra both wanted to see more of and also learn how to do herself. 

"Should I be gravely offended?" Mrs. Coulter let out then, voice amused, "that you didn't join me on the airship?" 

She stopped just in front of Lyra to stare down at her. She again didn't look angry or anything of the sort. Mrs. Coulter seemed pleasantly agreeable here, and as if Lyra were the most fascinating person in the entire world. Lyra had never experienced someone looking at her like that, or  _ caring  _ that much about her. It very much startled her and intrigued her in a way she couldn't quite describe. 

At Mrs. Coulter's raised eyebrow, Lyra stammered: "Oh, no! Mrs. Coulter, you see, I was just looking for my friend Roger again. And I lost track of time is all." 

"Looking for your friend Roger again?" Mrs. Coulter repeated, stepping even closer and tilting her head. "Lyra, darling, didn't we talk about that earlier this morning? Didn't I promise to find him for you?" 

She had. Lyra remembered the conversation so clearly because the woman had said it with such confidence, such conviction:  _ I won't just help, I won't just try. I'll succeed.  _ It'd made Lyra feel better initially, but as she left for the airship and Lyra was alone again, those creeping thoughts returned about her  _ only  _ needing to just check  _ once  _ more to be absolutely certain. 

"I just," Lyra started, looking around wildly  _ everywhere  _ except Mrs. Coulter's face, "I wanted…" She trailed off, not knowing how to sound more comprehensible. Pan looked up at her sympathetically. 

"You just wanted to be sure?" Mrs. Coulter finished for her. Lyra simply nodded, considering Mrs. Coulter. Her blue eyes were so soft and inviting. Lyra wanted to melt into them, as they somehow inherently made her feel calmer. "Well, I can certainly understand that." She then walked past Lyra over to the wide steps of the staircase. She hesitated just one moment before sitting down on it, patting the space beside her for Lyra to join. 

_ What is she doing?  _ Lyra wondered as she floated over to her, Pan trailing now as an ermine. 

_ No idea,  _ he answered,  _ but I suppose it doesn't hurt to find out.  _

As Lyra sat down beside the woman, trying her best to mimic her posture and cross her legs elegantly to the side (she failed and lost her balance a little), Mrs. Coulter chuckled before running a hand through her hair. Her touch was light. It felt nice. "You remind me of how I was when I was your age."

"I do?" Lyra asked. 

"Oh, yes. Determined, adventurous, passionate… _ stubborn,"  _ she added, at which both of them laughed. "You have a good heart, Lyra, worrying about your friend as much as you are. And you have many great qualities that put you in a great position to find him." 

"I just don't know where he is," Lyra blurted out then, feeling the familiar sense of urgency and pressure slowly start to chip away at her. "I can't find him anywhere, but maybe if I  _ looked  _ a bit harder—" 

"Lyra," Mrs. Coulter interrupted. Lyra stopped mid-speech and watched with widened eyes as Mrs. Coulter put her finger under her chin and turned her face to her, blue eyes warm yet intense. "You'll worry yourself sick over this if you let it."

"But I—" 

"Shh," Mrs. Coulter soothed, and Lyra listened, shifting her focus entirely on Mrs. Coulter and her soft voice and her pretty features. "I'll help you, Lyra. I'll ask all the staff here to conduct a thorough search while I lay down tracks in London, and everywhere else in between. We'll have every single place he can possibly be covered."

"You can  _ do  _ that?" Lyra marveled, still glued to her. 

"Of course I can," Mrs. Coulter said, and then she smiled again—smug and confident. It vaguely reminded Lyra of Uncle Asriel. Part of her, somewhere deep down inside of her, told her that this should perhaps be concerning. "You just have to stop fretting and trust me. You will trust me, won't you?" 

Lyra wanted to believe it. Everything Mrs. Coulter said sounded so incredibly wonderful. Lyra could have it all—making sure Roger was safe  _ and  _ going North. She wouldn’t even have to worry about it herself, either, as Mrs. Coulter would take care of it, and she probably had  _ people  _ to do things for her. They’d probably even do it better than Lyra could, being that she was still a kid and there was so much that she didn’t know.

But still, this aching sense of discomfort dwelled inside Lyra. She couldn’t quite describe it, but the entire situation didn’t feel right. 

“Lyra?” Mrs. Coulter pressed. She was so kind and so nice, but Lyra got the sense she was getting a little impatient now. The golden monkey’s eyes were narrowed, Pan noticed, and his body stiffened ever so slightly. 

“Will—will this work?” Lyra finally asked, aware of the hesitation that still flecked her voice. She heard Mrs. Coulter take a deep breath (or was that a sigh?) before a gentle hand was back on her head, stroking her curls delicately.

_ “Yes,”  _ she said, and Lyra let out the breath she was holding. She knew she was being unreasonable. She’d already put Mrs. Coulter out so much already, with not making the airship and now giving her so much trouble and doubting her as she was. Mrs. Coulter was only trying to help. And Lyra did feel safe there with Mrs. Coulter, who was holding her face so gently and giving her all kinds of steady and unwavering attention. Despite his earlier grumblings about the monkey, Pan felt soothed, too, as he sat next to the monkey and rubbed his little ermine head against his hands. They both felt caught up in some kind of peaceful trance. 

_ She’s our best chance at finding him,  _ Lyra thought, and Pan agreed, purring from off to the side with the monkey.

"Do you feel better?" Mrs. Coulter checked, her eyes flickering across Lyra's face.

The truth was that she didn’t, not  _ exactly,  _ but Lyra did her best to hide it. Mrs. Coulter was going to handle this. For the first time in possibly her entire life, Lyra had someone who was going to fix things for her, who would make a promise and actually keep it. She just  _ knew  _ that Mrs. Coulter would. Pan did, too. She'd come all this way back for them, after all, to check and see what was wrong. That had to count for something; that had to prove how good she was and how much Lyra could trust her, and how she could do the same for Roger.

She was doing this  _ for  _ Roger. As well as for herself. Wasn’t she?

"I'm glad," said Mrs. Coulter cheerily when Lyra eventually nodded, releasing Lyra's chin to slap at her thighs lightly before jumping up. "Well, where to now? The next airship isn't for a few hours yet, so we have a little more time to see you packed up and do whatever you wish."

**Author's Note:**

> I always felt a little disappointed in the books that Lyra was so quick to leave Roger, and I'm glad the show highlighted more of her concern for him and painted leaving with Mrs. Coulter as a sort of solution to better being able to find him. Thought I'd do a quick turn of events where Lyra misses the airship because she's busy looking for him again, which leaves her with a little more time at Jordan College with Mrs. Coulter :) I aim to have one more chapter wrapping it up and digging into more of Lyra's anxious thoughts and feelings about both leaving her friend AND leaving behind the only life she's ever known. Thank you for reading!


End file.
